Discouragement. It's a real thing...

So… hey.  I’ve gone MIA for a while and I really have no excuse, tbh. Life has gotten in the way and my health and my blog have gone on the back burner. Discouragement sucks. So… lets re-cap.

I will NOT hit my #30by30 goal this year. I think I may have hit it… the other way around.  Which is disappointing. And #31by31 isn’t really that motivational… since I’ll have OVER a year to accomplish it… I’ll turn 30 on the 26^th of this month. I doubt we’ll be celebrating, so there’s not much to look forward to since I won’t be hitting that goal. My high school bestie was here last week for a couple of days, which was present enough since its such a long way from her home.  My local bestie is moving the day of my birthday, so I’ll probably be packing a u-haul and crying most of the day.  Age is just a number, and it’s never really bothered me, so it’s not like I’m dreading it or anything. My mom usually forgets my birthday, so I won’t hold my breath for that, and my honey has been thinking real hard… but since I don’t have many friends, it’s pretty tough to do much. I’m just happy to reach one more milestone in my life since there are so many people who don’t get that chance.

I’ve taken a hiatus from working out, eating right, and all things healthy.  It just happened. Family reunions and camping, holidays, and work just didn’t keep me motivated. I KNOW what I have to do, but doing it is a whole other thing. I get discouraged very easily and while I know nothing can change until I absolutely make the change, something’s gotta give.  I stepped on the scale for the  first time in… well, forever… and my number is the highest its ever been. Ugh. I’m so disgusted with myself. But mentally, I’m just not there. 

So how do I get there? What do you do to “get motivated” and stay that way? I don’t want to be fat. But I also don’t want to starve.  I love food.  It’s my addiction.  I hate being sweaty. Working out is hard. But I know it has to be done to do anything about the way I look and feel. Why are we always so consumed with an easy fix? Why don’t want we ever want to work hard for stuff like that? I’ll be completely honest.  I’m always looking for the next best thing to help me in my weight loss journey. I’m not above trying drinks, shakes, pills… you name it, I’ve probably done it.  And it works for me for a while.  It’s like I need it to give me a shove and to make me think, “I can do this…” I know, I know… hard work, determination, and accountability are the only things that are going to work. Blah, blah… I just want it to be easy dammit. Why can’t it be easier?

                Maybe I’m just lazy.  I work hard at everything else in my life, so why not at trying to lose weight and be healthy? I hate the way I look, that I’m the largest person in my WHOLE family… so how am I not determined? And I can’t expect anyone else to hold me accountable if I can’t even hold myself accountable? What do you do to stay on track (or get back on track)? What has helped you the most to really get to it? What is the biggest thing that was your turning point? 

Weigh in Wednesday... *sigh*

I don’t even want to talk about it… but yet, here I am.

I haven’t done a Weigh in Wednesday since Vegas I think.

I. Am. Ashamed.

Not only that I haven’t written a Wednesday post (let alone any other posts), but that I’ve let my readers down.

More importantly, I’ve let myself down... ESPECIALLY with this number.

The number today brought me to tears. I do not like it, not one bit. And the thing is, it’s no one’s fault but my own.  I’ve known that I’ve been on a downward spiral since Vegas. (in April) I’ve thought about correcting it, and Darrell has even mentioned correcting it, but I’ve always got an excuse. I’ve always got a reason. Or, I wait until “tomorrow”. 

I hate that word. For real.

So… last night, while I was laying in bed, watching tv, eating a bucket of ice cream (I kid you not), I made a PayPal payment to Marta with Four Fit Sisters to join her June 2^nd Sugar Detox. I’ve GOT to get this under control and MAYBE if I’ve now forked out money to help me, just MAYBE I’ll do it. God I hope so.  

No one can do this for me, but me.  “It’s not going to be easy, but it’s going to be worth it.” Isn’t that what Mama Laughlin says all the time? I wanna look like her, btw. (have you seen her photo shoot?!?)

I also wanna look fierce and confident like Val over at Fab Chick Gets Fit and buy new clothes, in color, like Alicia over at Brew Mama.

To have before and afters (durings) like Aubrey Leigh at ALG, Uninterrupted.

And have the determination of Jasmine at Fleurty & Fit. And I wanna run. Just. Like. Candra. At Camo & Lipstick.

I look up to each one of the ladies, more than they will ever know.  I want their drive, I want their willingness, I want their meal plans! These ladies inspire me more and more each day and I can only hope to inspire people the way they do.

#30by30 may or may not happen. I have 25 pounds to lose by July 26^th.

Will it happen? I hope so.

Can it happen. Yes

Who can make it happen? ME?

Weigh in Wednesday

It's hump day again, and I'm back at it and feeling much better than last week.  THANK YOU to everyone that felt my pain and left words of encouragement, or that emailed and checked in on me.  I appreciate it all.  Seriously.  I've realized now, more than ever, that I DO have people supporting me, even thought they're people I don't see every day! THANK YOU!

So here's this week's number...

Sorry it's blurry... I only took one shot and was in a hurry. Also, I did NOT weigh in this Sunday for the challenge with Adie. I forgot all about it that morning, and by the time the birthday party was over (more on that later), I had had such a bad week, I knew my weight would be WAY off. So, here's today.

I have to give a shout out to my honey on here today.  He apologized for what he commented, and that took a lot.  I know he didn't mean it the way I took it, but apparently, when you're in a position like I am, every little thing can discourage you. He's a joker, and that's how his comments were meant. We're good.  I'm better, he's better.  I'm getting this ball rolling again.

I had two amazing ladies contact me yesterday to help me as well... I've learned so much over the past 24 hours and am so grateful to them for helping to pick me back up! Thanks to them, I'm now switched over to My Fitness Pal... Yeah, I know, I know. I'm behind on the times.  But, I've used LoseIt for so long, it was hard to make the change. But... it's done. Look me up if you want to "friend" me... NickoleM123

Speaking of names... Should I change my MFP to HeavyCupcake? Or my IG? or should I just get a second account? It's all so confusing! But, my concern is that I wonder if I put my IG as Heavy Cupcake if people will get tired of seeing me and my boys... ALONG with my healthy stuff too, of course. Thoughts?

Anyway... short post for now.  Know that I AM doing better eating this week and again, am grateful for each and every one of my supporters.  Chime in, say hello! I'd love to get to know you better!

Weigh in Wednesday Day 17 of 30

Hi Folks! It's weigh in Wednesday, again! I'm here with an update about the 30 day challenge that I'm doing with Adie.
Sunday's weigh in with her was this:

Which means I only lost .6# last week with the challenge.  I know that my workouts sucked due to the cold weather, but most of it was just because I was too damn lazy! I didn't do any flights of stairs at work, I didn't take any walks, I didn't do a stitch of yoga either.  I've had a lot going on, and while I know that isn't an excuse, my head just hasn't been in it.

Well, that all changed on Saturday.  After some morning shopping and a great lunch with my honey, I went home and worked in the yard for a couple of hours, then detailed out one of my cars for a couple of hours.  Even went and washed and vacuumed it! After, I may or may not have eaten a peep... or two.  But I earned it!

I also started party prep for my sons birthday.  Superman is his party theme this year and I've made the chocolate dipped pretzels and kryptonite krispies.  We're also going to do a black bean and corn salsa, and cheesecake stuffed chocolate dipped strawberries. MMMM...

I try to go all out for my kids birthdays.  Mostly because I remember what a bummer my birthdays were, and I don't want them to feel that way.  Then again, my birthday was always in the middle of the simmer, so kids were less likely to come. Oh well.  Until they say they don't want it, we'll just keep on partying! 

Sunday was SUPER nice (#seewhatididthere?) and I ended up taking the top off the front half of the jeep! 

 

It was so nice! I can't wait till I can leave if off all the time.  Right now, the mornings are chilly, and we're entering tornado season... so that means RAIN. All. The. Time. Speaking of chilly mornings... 

Monday morning, I forgot to put the top back on... so it was a very chilly ride to school! Oh well... I was def awake at work that morning! The top got put back on around noon since it was going to rain.  Still haven't taken it off since then. C'mon nice weather! I'm ready to go topless all the time! (HA!)

Monday night I came home and push mowed the back lawn. It was a workout that I swear lasted an hour... it was only 20 minutes. Blah... Oh well, I came home and moved. That's what's important. Right? 

Tuesday... SUCKED. Seriously.  I've had this kick ass attitude since Saturday and it all went to hell yesterday. I won't go into detail again, but know that it sucked all the way around. I ate so terribly. I felt terrible. I didn't workout. I just didn't.  But, I also DIDN'T have the big old greasy cheeseburger that I wanted either. I DID however eat tacos... with cheese, cheese sauce AND sour cream.  I also ate 15387654324 rice crispy treats.  Yup.  And they were so good.  I ain't even gonna lie. Unfortunately, neither does the scale.

This blows... and I don't even want to talk about it. Seriously. An unfortunately, this is my weigh in at the beginning of the month. Blah... 

Linking up with Heather and Ash over here...

And I also wanted to tell you about a Swag swap going on over with two of my favorite bloggers, Candra and Alicia!

These two ladies have put this group together for people that want to swap some swag that is for fitness or just plain old Diva-ness. All ya gotta do is send an email with your name, pick of category and your info for social medias.  They'll link you up, you swap info with the person you're paired with and then get to swapping! I can't wait to get this thing started!

Hope you all have a happy hump day and that you're doing MUCH better than I am on this whole thing! What do you do when you fall off the wagon? 

Weigh In Wednesday!

Linking up once again with Ash & Heather.
And now with Nina!

 It's Weigh in Wednesday again and today, I've found myself wondering why I do this. I know I need the accountability, and that in itself should be enough- but still, why?

Why have I put myself out there for all the word to see (even though no one actually reads it unless I do a linkup with a group that has already been put together) and why have I put my "big number" out there for all of you to gasp at? It's a huge number.  To me.  It's several huge numbers.  That I promised myself that I would NEVER see, 7 years ago.  And yet, here it is. And it's been around for way too long. Here she be...

I've lost 3.6 lbs since last Wednesday, and a total of 6.4 lbs since starting on January 2nd.

That's a good loss for two and a half weeks.  And my LoseIt! App is set to suggest calorie intake for a 2# a week loss (suggested healthy loss)... so I guess I'm doing better than suggested.  I still have a long way to go and still need to get back in to a regular exercise routine.

What motivates you to weigh in every week and post a weight that you're ashamed of? What motivates you to exercise? What makes you accountable for the workout? SOMEONE needs to call me every morning and tell me to get my ASS OUT OF BED!

Happy Wednesday all! Hope you enjoy this midweek hump!

Falling Off And Getting Back Up

So like I said in my last post, I've fallen off the get-fit bandwagon... And I don't feel good about it at all. I've quit the yoga, I've not been walking, I've not done anything.  AND I'm eating terrible. I feel bleh... And I know exactly why. So why not get back on track you ask? Well... BECAUSE I feel bleh... I don't want to.  Have no drive, and am SOOO tired.  I don't know if its the time change, the lack of killing anything in black powder (hunting) season, or just how busy that (it feels like) I've been.  And quite frankly, everything is done. My honey is home all the time now (Thanks to his lack of a job), so theres no excuse as to why I'm not getting out to walk or attempt to run... I have no excuse, other than I'm tired.

Last weekend at the combined birthday for Ayden and Dave, I was standing in the kitchen with my grandmother and an Aunt, and my grandmother made the comment that she was wearing my mothers old jeans that were a size 18. Mom had given them to her because they were too big for her now.




*crickets*



Call me bitter if you'd like, but I felt like a knife had just been stuck in my gut... and it wasn't there to remove extra skin and fat. :-/ My MOTHER and GRANDMOTHER are both smaller than I am now. SMALLER. There is a 22 year difference in my mother and I, and a 51 year difference in my grandmother and I. I know, you're all thinking that I should relax, everyone is different, most older people lose weight and become skin and bones... blah, blah. No.  That's not it.  My mother has been big for the past 16+ years? And my grandmother has been large for... well... ever. Now grandma has always eaten right, been healthy other wise, even always stayed active to try to lose weight, but her metabolism is so off, that she can't loose.  She had gastric bypass surgery done about 6 months ago (the oldest patient her accredited doctor has ever worked on, btw) and while she's not losing as fast as most people, this has been what has contributed to her dropping from a size 24 to a size 18.
Smaller than me.
My mother... I'm not real sure what has helped her with her weight loss, but I know she's not working out or anything, but does have a protein shake every morning.

WTF? Isn't it supposed to be HARDER to lose weight with the older you get? So why are they doing it, and while I did nothing but eat right, and work out, I didn't loose a pound? I know that our weight is just a number, and I was toning (I did lose 5  inches), but it sure would be helpful to see that number drop. And while I sound very jaded about their progress, I am VERY proud of what they have achieved.  Don't get me wrong.

And after this weekends birthday pictures and the ONE video/picture that I got into... I need to be more motivated than ever. Seriously.

My sister is going through a divorce right now, and she's gained a bit of weight over the past year or so. It happens to the best of us.  However, I've been looking at her, feeling sorry for her becuase shes gotten so big. You see, my sister has always been very athletic. BAsketball, softball, yard work... and she had a bunch of physical jobs. So yeah, I feel bad. But I mostly felt bad because I thought she was larger than me.

She's not.  I just apparently have no perception of my size.  I honestly have had NO IDEA that I am as large as I am. I look at myself daily, I can see some of the progess I made last  month and I honestly felt good about myself.  until I saw this snapshot from the video of Ayden blowing out his candles.

That's my mom, me and my sister (They're not related, btw). I'm the biggest one out of the group. And the youngest. This. Is. Depressing.  Again, I'm not saying that I'm not proud of them.  I'm sick of me.
So tomrrow it should all end.  If I can get out of bed. I'm taking measurments and full body pics tonight. I'm POSTING them too. I'm GOING to be ACCOUNTABLE. Period.

Now wish me luck!