Thursday, October 24, 2013

I do yoga...



And I LOVE it.

Hello, my name is Niki and I'm a yoga-holic.

I never thought I'd love working out as much as I have the past 3 and a half weeks. Yeah, its just yoga. But its YOGA! It may not look like much more than stretching, but IT IS so much more than that. Its breathing, it toning, it concentrating and centering. I'm more centered than I've ever been, my back pain is the least amount I've had in years (finally this week) and like I said in my previous post, I've lost 5 inches. AND!! Today, I got my first in person comment about how I look as though I've slimmed up. From my boss. Who is male. Holy crap y'all! I'm stoked!

I started with a video that my sister got for free with her yoga mat that she just HAD to have to tan on in the back yard, of course. She brought it, I did it for a week, I decided I liked it, then I fizzled out.

Then, my honey and I decided to have a contest on who could lose the most weight while he's away for his new job training. I took off running, as did he. He lost 3# his first week, I gained 2#. WTF? I took a weekend off from my calorie counting, but kept with the yoga. Then back on track on Monday with calories again. I lost a couple pounds, but not like I was hoping. But last week, after being discouraged about the numbers on the scale, I decided to check my numbers on the tape. 5" last week. Its wonderful.

Yoga is my friend. And I love it.

Monday, October 21, 2013

A Heavy Heart

My heart is heavy today.

I feel like a failure. I know most of you will just say, "suck it up buttercup" and that we all feel that way sometimes, but today, I'm very heavy hearted and failing.

My boys mean the world to me. I never wanted kids when I was younger, I had my fill helping with my little brother and sister.  However, God had other plans for me and he blessed me with two beautiful boys to call mine. Ayden, the oldest, is a mommas boy. He wants to be with me all the time. Except when he doesn't.  He's also the most like me.  Anxiety, attitude, mannerisms...  I see me. And frankly, that worries me.

When I was younger, my mother and I never got along. Heck, we still barely do. She is the type that always needs something (or someone) to blame and therefore she started me in counseling. There was always something "wrong" with me. She didn't like my attitude, she didn't like the way I handled things, I've never been good enough. After doing counseling for a while and it not helping, she wanted a "diagnosis" to blame.  She hauled me off for a day long test, and I was diagnosed as Bipolar.

While I know that it's out there, and I know that I very well may be bipolar, the thing is... the test results couldn't be accurate.  My answers weren't accurate. How could they be? I was so angry with my mother at that time that every answer that had anything to do with her was negative. I answered things how I wanted.  And I wanted to get back at her for making me feel like I was a problem.  I wasn't good enough.  I was bad. All the time. I was then placed on medicine, and later moved in with my dad to get away from her. I've always resented her for that.  Always.

I do have anger issues.  I've never been a happy person.  Theres always been something that I feel that has held me back.  I worry, I plan, I try to take on too much.  Yes, I know that this is my problem to deal with, and I fully understand that there is no one to blame but myself. I see much of myself in Ayden.  I don't want him to grow up the way I have. I want him to know he's good enough. I want him to know love. I want him to not hate me the way I've always hated my mother.

However, his attitude makes it extremely hard to build him up. He's very hateful.  Especially towards his little brother. He can be very violent.  Which scares the crap out of me. This morning, I overheard them fighting in the bathroom while getting ready.  I decided I'd let them duke it out, sometimes they just have to. But I overheard Rem yell that he was going to tell on Ayden for choking him.  That's when I decided that I needed to intervene. As I rounded the corner, I saw Ayden going after his brother to choke him again.

I lost it.  And I'm so sad to honestly say that.  I. Lost. It.

I came unglued. I did all those things that people always say that "good moms" don't do.  I yelled at him. I yelled in his face. I had a very ugly face while yelling. I even grabbed him violently and put some fear in him. I hate when I do that. And I always feel regret after doing it, but hell... what am I going to do? I've read the books, I know that you're supposed to build your children up. I know you're supposed to praise them. But shit... I've tried it and obviously it didn't work.  I'm not saying that grabbing him or yelling in his face will either... but I'm just at the end of my rope.

I don't agree with praising kids for doing what they're told or expected to do.  If you do that, you're not only teaching your kids that they should always be rewarded, but what happens when they decided that they don't WANT the reward any more?  If they don't know that it's something that they HAVE to do, then why would they do it? I DO agree with praising kids for doing something WELL. If they did an awesome job at making their bed this morning, then yeah tell them how awesome they are and how much it's appreciated. If they go above and beyond on something, then YES! Please, praise them!

And while I don't necessarily agree with yelling in a child's face either, sometimes, it feels like that is the only way that he hears me. I have to tell him to look at me several times while having a discussion or getting on to him. He always tried the fake cry thing, getting louder than I, and tried to cover up his face. This morning, all I wanted to do was show him how badly he hurts his brother when he does this, and how scary it is.  Before I knew it, I had grabbed his shirt and pulled him close. I was in his face and yelling, asking him why he insists on trying to kill his little brother.  I told him that if he killed him, he'd go to jail for a very long time and they may try to "kill" him as well.  Not to mention, I'd go to jail for him doing it.

It hurts my heart to see such anger in his face. To know that he doesn't care and wants to hurt Remington. That he could take the moment and try to strangle his little brother... over something as little as who get the water bottle for their hair, first. It's not right. My hear hurts worse when I think about where hes learned this behaviour from. Is it from me? It has to be. I have a bad temper just like him, but I don't strangle. I don't tell people I'm going to kill them.  I don't kick, I don't hit. But kids learn from their parents. And it's times like this morning that I feel like such a bad parent.

I yell, I scream even.  I try to make them feel bad for what they do wrong. Yes, that's all frowned upon by society, but if they don't feel bad for their actions, and know that what they did was wrong, then why even bring up that they did wrong?

I've tried being nice when my kids are in trouble. "Don't be ugly... we don't do that... that was wrong... apologize" and you know what happens? Nothing. Not a damn thing. They can't even repeat back to me what they're getting in trouble for by the end of the conversation. I know yelling doesn't work either... but seriously... what do I do now?

I cry at the thought of my children hating eachother. I cry at the thought of them hating me, and I resenting the things that they do. I don't want my childen to grow up with hate. I don't want them to hate eachother. Or anyone for that matter. But when a heart has hate in it, what do you do to change that? I'm at a loss. I'm ready to give up. The faces that Ayden can make at his brother an I LITERALLY hurt. To know that his first resort is hitting another person, HURTS. I don't want my child to constantly be in trouble. I don't want to have to constantly get on to him.  To punish him. To have to take toys away or not let him spend time with others. But what the hell do I do?


Last week, I had posted on Facebook and Instagram about my 5" loss since starting Yoga full time at the beginning of this month.  I'm so stoked! While my hips aren't decreasing ( :-(  ) everything else is! My waist has shrunk tremendously (to me anyway) and every little bit counts for my arms, thighs and bust.

5. That's the number of the day. Why you ask? Cause that's the number of inches I've lost since starting my bet with my honey on the first of this month! I've started back on my Zeal Weight Loss Program, 20 minutes of yoga a day, and daily yoga challenge poses with @missmunchy1, and I've lost 5 inches!! I may not have lost that many pounds but I feel better and look better. And besides, your weight is just a number. It doesn't define you.

I've started being accountable for my workouts... and my food in a way.  My friend Kim and I check in each weekday morning to tell each other what we did that morning. (Some mornings are better than others!) If one of us isn't up and at em for the 5am club, then we pay the other a dollar.  It could get expensive, but it's motivation.

I use the handy app LoseIt! on my phone.  I've used it for a year or so, although, more dedicated at this time. It's free, has a great database already, is easy to use to add foods/recipes to, and it has a handy barcode scanner so that you can just input anything thats not already in there.  I LOVE THIS APP.  Even though I may not use it daily, Using it for a period of time really makes you think about what you're putting into your body and just how much of every thing that you're consuming.  It makes me think twice about everything I eat.  Is it worth it?

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

About Cupcake

Hello. I’m Niki. And I’m fat.
You: Hi Niki
People always say that today is the first day of your life. I agree, but unfortunately, the previous of my life has made me fat. Obese even. While I’ve never been “diagnosed”, I know it to be the truth. What 29-year-old, 5 foot 3 inch, woman could weight 220.2 pounds and NOT be obese? I’ve always weighed more than most girls my age. I’ve always been “big-boned”. I’ve always had big cheeks (on my face, not my rear) and in turn, earned the nickname “Chinky” from an Aunt and Uncle.
In high school I’d think I needed to lose a size or two to fit in, but now looking back, in reality, I was just fine.
I’ve made up excuses. “My whole family is fat, there’s no way I won’t be!” Or my favorite and most used, “Tomorrow”.
On Saint Patrick’s Day of 2005, I found out I was pregnant with my oldest son, Ayden.

A major shock, and a major life change, I put on a massive amount of weight. I ate anything “because I’m pregnant” and didn’t do much “because I’m pregnant” all while slowly regressing into a depression that caused me to turn to food even more. My relationship with Ayden’s father wasn’t healthy, it never had been in the 4 years we had been seeing each other. But of course, having Ayden pushed me to work harder to “fix” something that was irreparable.
In July of 2006, I became pregnant with my youngest son, Remington.

Again, without losing the weight I gained while pregnant with Ayden, I gained more and more. However, this time I promised myself that I wouldn’t reach 200 pounds. Upon arriving at the hospital to be induced for labor, I weighed in at 204, very heavy pounds.
After labor and before being released from the hospital, I ran to the hallway to weigh myself so I knew I wasn’t over my “never” weight. I weighed 202 pounds. I hadn’t even lost the weight of Remington. My “never” weight was now a reality. And it hit hard.
After this point, I kinda just gave up. I wasn’t happy at home (the boy’s father and I had split just before Remington was born), I wasn’t happy with myself, and I had absolutely no drive for anything.  No want. No anything. Over the years I returned to my kids father, working harder on a failed relationship than on myself, all the while “attempting” to eat healthy, or promising myself that I’ll exercise more. I did finally buy a treadmill… That he got in our divorce in 2010. Just one short year after our wedding.
Time went on, I finally got my feet under myself financially, got my own place after living with family,and found a wonderful man who I can call mine. He calls me cupcake thanks to a love a baking therapy I resorted to when we first met.

I purchased my very first home in November of 2012, and I couldn’t be more proud of it.

So now, “Tomorrow” is here. No more excuses. No more “Chunky Chinky" no more Heavy Cupcake.
Please join me on my journey of weight loss and happiness. I don’t want to be a skinny Minni, I just wanna be healthy. I want to NOT lose my breath walking the dog. I want to NOT struggle to jump in my jeep. I want to NOT be uncomfortable in every piece of clothing I own. I want to be me and enjoy my children. The journey starts here. I may jump around, I may fall off the wagon. (If I do, please remind me to get back on it) I plan on trying different routes, different forms of exercises, different foods, all while trying to find a healthier me.