Tuesday, October 8, 2013

About Cupcake

Hello. I’m Niki. And I’m fat.
You: Hi Niki
People always say that today is the first day of your life. I agree, but unfortunately, the previous of my life has made me fat. Obese even. While I’ve never been “diagnosed”, I know it to be the truth. What 29-year-old, 5 foot 3 inch, woman could weight 220.2 pounds and NOT be obese? I’ve always weighed more than most girls my age. I’ve always been “big-boned”. I’ve always had big cheeks (on my face, not my rear) and in turn, earned the nickname “Chinky” from an Aunt and Uncle.
In high school I’d think I needed to lose a size or two to fit in, but now looking back, in reality, I was just fine.
I’ve made up excuses. “My whole family is fat, there’s no way I won’t be!” Or my favorite and most used, “Tomorrow”.
On Saint Patrick’s Day of 2005, I found out I was pregnant with my oldest son, Ayden.

A major shock, and a major life change, I put on a massive amount of weight. I ate anything “because I’m pregnant” and didn’t do much “because I’m pregnant” all while slowly regressing into a depression that caused me to turn to food even more. My relationship with Ayden’s father wasn’t healthy, it never had been in the 4 years we had been seeing each other. But of course, having Ayden pushed me to work harder to “fix” something that was irreparable.
In July of 2006, I became pregnant with my youngest son, Remington.

Again, without losing the weight I gained while pregnant with Ayden, I gained more and more. However, this time I promised myself that I wouldn’t reach 200 pounds. Upon arriving at the hospital to be induced for labor, I weighed in at 204, very heavy pounds.
After labor and before being released from the hospital, I ran to the hallway to weigh myself so I knew I wasn’t over my “never” weight. I weighed 202 pounds. I hadn’t even lost the weight of Remington. My “never” weight was now a reality. And it hit hard.
After this point, I kinda just gave up. I wasn’t happy at home (the boy’s father and I had split just before Remington was born), I wasn’t happy with myself, and I had absolutely no drive for anything.  No want. No anything. Over the years I returned to my kids father, working harder on a failed relationship than on myself, all the while “attempting” to eat healthy, or promising myself that I’ll exercise more. I did finally buy a treadmill… That he got in our divorce in 2010. Just one short year after our wedding.
Time went on, I finally got my feet under myself financially, got my own place after living with family,and found a wonderful man who I can call mine. He calls me cupcake thanks to a love a baking therapy I resorted to when we first met.

I purchased my very first home in November of 2012, and I couldn’t be more proud of it.

So now, “Tomorrow” is here. No more excuses. No more “Chunky Chinky" no more Heavy Cupcake.
Please join me on my journey of weight loss and happiness. I don’t want to be a skinny Minni, I just wanna be healthy. I want to NOT lose my breath walking the dog. I want to NOT struggle to jump in my jeep. I want to NOT be uncomfortable in every piece of clothing I own. I want to be me and enjoy my children. The journey starts here. I may jump around, I may fall off the wagon. (If I do, please remind me to get back on it) I plan on trying different routes, different forms of exercises, different foods, all while trying to find a healthier me.

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