Monday, October 21, 2013

A Heavy Heart

My heart is heavy today.

I feel like a failure. I know most of you will just say, "suck it up buttercup" and that we all feel that way sometimes, but today, I'm very heavy hearted and failing.

My boys mean the world to me. I never wanted kids when I was younger, I had my fill helping with my little brother and sister.  However, God had other plans for me and he blessed me with two beautiful boys to call mine. Ayden, the oldest, is a mommas boy. He wants to be with me all the time. Except when he doesn't.  He's also the most like me.  Anxiety, attitude, mannerisms...  I see me. And frankly, that worries me.



When I was younger, my mother and I never got along. Heck, we still barely do. She is the type that always needs something (or someone) to blame and therefore she started me in counseling. There was always something "wrong" with me. She didn't like my attitude, she didn't like the way I handled things, I've never been good enough. After doing counseling for a while and it not helping, she wanted a "diagnosis" to blame.  She hauled me off for a day long test, and I was diagnosed as Bipolar.

While I know that it's out there, and I know that I very well may be bipolar, the thing is... the test results couldn't be accurate.  My answers weren't accurate. How could they be? I was so angry with my mother at that time that every answer that had anything to do with her was negative. I answered things how I wanted.  And I wanted to get back at her for making me feel like I was a problem.  I wasn't good enough.  I was bad. All the time. I was then placed on medicine, and later moved in with my dad to get away from her. I've always resented her for that.  Always.

I do have anger issues.  I've never been a happy person.  Theres always been something that I feel that has held me back.  I worry, I plan, I try to take on too much.  Yes, I know that this is my problem to deal with, and I fully understand that there is no one to blame but myself. I see much of myself in Ayden.  I don't want him to grow up the way I have. I want him to know he's good enough. I want him to know love. I want him to not hate me the way I've always hated my mother.

However, his attitude makes it extremely hard to build him up. He's very hateful.  Especially towards his little brother. He can be very violent.  Which scares the crap out of me. This morning, I overheard them fighting in the bathroom while getting ready.  I decided I'd let them duke it out, sometimes they just have to. But I overheard Rem yell that he was going to tell on Ayden for choking him.  That's when I decided that I needed to intervene. As I rounded the corner, I saw Ayden going after his brother to choke him again.

I lost it.  And I'm so sad to honestly say that.  I. Lost. It.

I came unglued. I did all those things that people always say that "good moms" don't do.  I yelled at him. I yelled in his face. I had a very ugly face while yelling. I even grabbed him violently and put some fear in him. I hate when I do that. And I always feel regret after doing it, but hell... what am I going to do? I've read the books, I know that you're supposed to build your children up. I know you're supposed to praise them. But shit... I've tried it and obviously it didn't work.  I'm not saying that grabbing him or yelling in his face will either... but I'm just at the end of my rope.

I don't agree with praising kids for doing what they're told or expected to do.  If you do that, you're not only teaching your kids that they should always be rewarded, but what happens when they decided that they don't WANT the reward any more?  If they don't know that it's something that they HAVE to do, then why would they do it? I DO agree with praising kids for doing something WELL. If they did an awesome job at making their bed this morning, then yeah tell them how awesome they are and how much it's appreciated. If they go above and beyond on something, then YES! Please, praise them!

And while I don't necessarily agree with yelling in a child's face either, sometimes, it feels like that is the only way that he hears me. I have to tell him to look at me several times while having a discussion or getting on to him. He always tried the fake cry thing, getting louder than I, and tried to cover up his face. This morning, all I wanted to do was show him how badly he hurts his brother when he does this, and how scary it is.  Before I knew it, I had grabbed his shirt and pulled him close. I was in his face and yelling, asking him why he insists on trying to kill his little brother.  I told him that if he killed him, he'd go to jail for a very long time and they may try to "kill" him as well.  Not to mention, I'd go to jail for him doing it.

It hurts my heart to see such anger in his face. To know that he doesn't care and wants to hurt Remington. That he could take the moment and try to strangle his little brother... over something as little as who get the water bottle for their hair, first. It's not right. My hear hurts worse when I think about where hes learned this behaviour from. Is it from me? It has to be. I have a bad temper just like him, but I don't strangle. I don't tell people I'm going to kill them.  I don't kick, I don't hit. But kids learn from their parents. And it's times like this morning that I feel like such a bad parent.

I yell, I scream even.  I try to make them feel bad for what they do wrong. Yes, that's all frowned upon by society, but if they don't feel bad for their actions, and know that what they did was wrong, then why even bring up that they did wrong?

I've tried being nice when my kids are in trouble. "Don't be ugly... we don't do that... that was wrong... apologize" and you know what happens? Nothing. Not a damn thing. They can't even repeat back to me what they're getting in trouble for by the end of the conversation. I know yelling doesn't work either... but seriously... what do I do now?

I cry at the thought of my children hating eachother. I cry at the thought of them hating me, and I resenting the things that they do. I don't want my childen to grow up with hate. I don't want them to hate eachother. Or anyone for that matter. But when a heart has hate in it, what do you do to change that? I'm at a loss. I'm ready to give up. The faces that Ayden can make at his brother an I LITERALLY hurt. To know that his first resort is hitting another person, HURTS. I don't want my child to constantly be in trouble. I don't want to have to constantly get on to him.  To punish him. To have to take toys away or not let him spend time with others. But what the hell do I do?

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