Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Falling Off And Getting Back Up

So like I said in my last post, I've fallen off the get-fit bandwagon... And I don't feel good about it at all. I've quit the yoga, I've not been walking, I've not done anything.  AND I'm eating terrible. I feel bleh... And I know exactly why. So why not get back on track you ask? Well... BECAUSE I feel bleh... I don't want to.  Have no drive, and am SOOO tired.  I don't know if its the time change, the lack of killing anything in black powder (hunting) season, or just how busy that (it feels like) I've been.  And quite frankly, everything is done. My honey is home all the time now (Thanks to his lack of a job), so theres no excuse as to why I'm not getting out to walk or attempt to run... I have no excuse, other than I'm tired.

Last weekend at the combined birthday for Ayden and Dave, I was standing in the kitchen with my grandmother and an Aunt, and my grandmother made the comment that she was wearing my mothers old jeans that were a size 18. Mom had given them to her because they were too big for her now.


Call me bitter if you'd like, but I felt like a knife had just been stuck in my gut... and it wasn't there to remove extra skin and fat. :-/ My MOTHER and GRANDMOTHER are both smaller than I am now. SMALLER. There is a 22 year difference in my mother and I, and a 51 year difference in my grandmother and I. I know, you're all thinking that I should relax, everyone is different, most older people lose weight and become skin and bones... blah, blah. No.  That's not it.  My mother has been big for the past 16+ years? And my grandmother has been large for... well... ever. Now grandma has always eaten right, been healthy other wise, even always stayed active to try to lose weight, but her metabolism is so off, that she can't loose.  She had gastric bypass surgery done about 6 months ago (the oldest patient her accredited doctor has ever worked on, btw) and while she's not losing as fast as most people, this has been what has contributed to her dropping from a size 24 to a size 18.
Smaller than me.
My mother... I'm not real sure what has helped her with her weight loss, but I know she's not working out or anything, but does have a protein shake every morning.

WTF? Isn't it supposed to be HARDER to lose weight with the older you get? So why are they doing it, and while I did nothing but eat right, and work out, I didn't loose a pound? I know that our weight is just a number, and I was toning (I did lose 5  inches), but it sure would be helpful to see that number drop. And while I sound very jaded about their progress, I am VERY proud of what they have achieved.  Don't get me wrong.

And after this weekends birthday pictures and the ONE video/picture that I got into... I need to be more motivated than ever. Seriously.

My sister is going through a divorce right now, and she's gained a bit of weight over the past year or so. It happens to the best of us.  However, I've been looking at her, feeling sorry for her becuase shes gotten so big. You see, my sister has always been very athletic. BAsketball, softball, yard work... and she had a bunch of physical jobs. So yeah, I feel bad. But I mostly felt bad because I thought she was larger than me.

She's not.  I just apparently have no perception of my size.  I honestly have had NO IDEA that I am as large as I am. I look at myself daily, I can see some of the progess I made last  month and I honestly felt good about myself.  until I saw this snapshot from the video of Ayden blowing out his candles.
That's my mom, me and my sister (They're not related, btw). I'm the biggest one out of the group. And the youngest. This. Is. Depressing.  Again, I'm not saying that I'm not proud of them.  I'm sick of me.
So tomrrow it should all end.  If I can get out of bed. I'm taking measurments and full body pics tonight. I'm POSTING them too. I'm GOING to be ACCOUNTABLE. Period.

Now wish me luck!

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